Oh Paulla, this post reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother long ago. Sometimes those voices are just the chorus of “shoulds” against the voice that is really yours. So glad you are in conversation with that quiet, clear, knowing voice now. I think the raging part of that voice is the dam breaking, and the understandable, unleashing force of things that haven’t been said for too long. It’s beautiful, really, even if it’s a little painful. So happy to read your words 🤍
Thank you, Ally. The chorus of shoulds - what an apt description. Blinking awake to my true self was both exciting, to know she was there, and terrifying, to think I had dissociated for so very long. Yes - beautiful and painful. Like Glennon Doyle calls it - brutal and beautiful…brutiful. Thank you for this. ❤️
“instead of there simply being something wrong with an individual, maybe something is very wrong with how that individual has been treated by others.”
Yes. Exactly. I’m sorry you experienced all of this, Paulla. It must have been very scary for you. Identifying trauma has been so helpful for me in healing so many things I’ve struggled with throughout my life. Thank you for your vulnerability in this essay. It means a lot and it’s very brave and generous. Big hugs to you! xo
I don't know you, but it certainly doesn't sound like schizophrenia to me either. Lots of schizophrenics believe they can speak to God, usually while fixated on an object like a lightbulb, and often while speaking with incomprehensible gibberish. Impossible to hide that kind of behaviour until you're 49.
Thanks for this. I mostly knew I wasn’t “crazy “ but I was so confused and distanced from my authentic self, I couldn’t be sure. I’ve learned the difference since then, and how trauma can do many strange things to a person. Thanks so much for reaching out. 🙏🏻
I have these voices. And I too wondered what was up with them. I also thought mental illness of some magnitude. Somedays they were/are so insistent that I have to just go. Go away. In the bathroom or my room because I can lock those doors. Sometimes I hide in the barn. Sometimes I feel the need to flee. Away from family and my life and disapear (as if it makes it better, because as we know your head is attached to your body so likely those thoughts are still going to follow you). It's draining and exhausting on the daily.
Hi Stacey, I’m so sorry to hear this. I understand that need to flee, to try to get away from yourself. I believe that the voices I hear are the younger, still broken and hurting parts of me that still need to heal. This will probably sound crazy, but one thing that works for me sometimes is to stop, listen closely, and then calmly respond (silently or aloud, depending on whether or not I’m alone) and tell that younger, hurting part of me that I’ve got this. She can rest. There’s a capable adult in charge now.
Hi Paula, i’m familiar with all of this, and feel excited that you have left the cage and been able to discern who you are from early childhood interjections from Home, from the church, so interesting to me how miserable and dark we can feel about ourselves because of the environment that we grew up in
You must feel amazing compared to how it was. It makes us humble, doesn’t it? I’m very proud of you and happy for your recovery.
Thank you, Prajna - yes, amazing now, comparatively. There will always be shadows and remnants of that dark past, but I am eternally grateful for therapy and writing - the two things that saved me ❤️
Paulla, yes, me too. I began therapy early. I was a mess. I'm still reparenting parts of myself that show up for some TLC. My children have helped me so much to be a real human with all my freaky flaws and funny wise parts as well. Thank you.
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this; I can’t undo fifty years of harm with an apology but I’m sorry religion was used against you in this way ❤️
Oh Paulla, this post reminds me of a conversation I had with my brother long ago. Sometimes those voices are just the chorus of “shoulds” against the voice that is really yours. So glad you are in conversation with that quiet, clear, knowing voice now. I think the raging part of that voice is the dam breaking, and the understandable, unleashing force of things that haven’t been said for too long. It’s beautiful, really, even if it’s a little painful. So happy to read your words 🤍
Thank you, Ally. The chorus of shoulds - what an apt description. Blinking awake to my true self was both exciting, to know she was there, and terrifying, to think I had dissociated for so very long. Yes - beautiful and painful. Like Glennon Doyle calls it - brutal and beautiful…brutiful. Thank you for this. ❤️
“instead of there simply being something wrong with an individual, maybe something is very wrong with how that individual has been treated by others.”
Yes. Exactly. I’m sorry you experienced all of this, Paulla. It must have been very scary for you. Identifying trauma has been so helpful for me in healing so many things I’ve struggled with throughout my life. Thank you for your vulnerability in this essay. It means a lot and it’s very brave and generous. Big hugs to you! xo
Thanks so much, Nan. And thank you for giving your readers permission to be as vulnerable as possible. In the end, it’s where our strength lies. 🙏🏻
Absolutely true, isn’t it. Open hearts win the day. xo
I don't know you, but it certainly doesn't sound like schizophrenia to me either. Lots of schizophrenics believe they can speak to God, usually while fixated on an object like a lightbulb, and often while speaking with incomprehensible gibberish. Impossible to hide that kind of behaviour until you're 49.
Thanks for this. I mostly knew I wasn’t “crazy “ but I was so confused and distanced from my authentic self, I couldn’t be sure. I’ve learned the difference since then, and how trauma can do many strange things to a person. Thanks so much for reaching out. 🙏🏻
I have these voices. And I too wondered what was up with them. I also thought mental illness of some magnitude. Somedays they were/are so insistent that I have to just go. Go away. In the bathroom or my room because I can lock those doors. Sometimes I hide in the barn. Sometimes I feel the need to flee. Away from family and my life and disapear (as if it makes it better, because as we know your head is attached to your body so likely those thoughts are still going to follow you). It's draining and exhausting on the daily.
Hi Stacey, I’m so sorry to hear this. I understand that need to flee, to try to get away from yourself. I believe that the voices I hear are the younger, still broken and hurting parts of me that still need to heal. This will probably sound crazy, but one thing that works for me sometimes is to stop, listen closely, and then calmly respond (silently or aloud, depending on whether or not I’m alone) and tell that younger, hurting part of me that I’ve got this. She can rest. There’s a capable adult in charge now.
Big hugs to you. 🙏🏻
Hi Paula, i’m familiar with all of this, and feel excited that you have left the cage and been able to discern who you are from early childhood interjections from Home, from the church, so interesting to me how miserable and dark we can feel about ourselves because of the environment that we grew up in
You must feel amazing compared to how it was. It makes us humble, doesn’t it? I’m very proud of you and happy for your recovery.
Well done
🌹💚🌹
Thank you, Prajna - yes, amazing now, comparatively. There will always be shadows and remnants of that dark past, but I am eternally grateful for therapy and writing - the two things that saved me ❤️
Paulla, yes, me too. I began therapy early. I was a mess. I'm still reparenting parts of myself that show up for some TLC. My children have helped me so much to be a real human with all my freaky flaws and funny wise parts as well. Thank you.
Oh, this is the absolute best title. I am coming back to it. It’s late at night right now and I can’t possibly take it in, but I can’t wait well done
Thanks Prajna 🙏🏻
Thank you for being so open and so vulnerable, Paulla.
🙏🏻🙏🏻
I’m so sorry to hear you went through this; I can’t undo fifty years of harm with an apology but I’m sorry religion was used against you in this way ❤️
Not your burden to apologize for, Mike but your sentiment is very kind. Thank you 🙏🏻
I just noticed the link to my story! Thank you! Wow. xoxo