I relate on so many levels. When my mother became gravely ill, anything that had passed between us just didn’t matter to me anymore. Even if she was still holding onto that stuff (and my god, was she 🤣🤦🏻♀️) I just did not care about anything except showing up for her. It’s a longer story (a whole memoir of a story I’m about to finish haha), but I’m so glad that was my reaction because we did manage to finally heal our relationship before she died - in the last 3 weeks of her life. Hard to put into words how grateful I am about that.
My dad was a terrible dad all the way through, but I ended up being his primary caregiver the last year of his life. It wasn’t easy, and I had to grapple with boundaries and what I owed him vs what I owed myself and whether “owing” was really the point, anyway.
The truth is we all keep changing. Neither of my parents were the people they were when I was little - 40 years later, and neither of them were perfect then, either. And neither am I. We all muddle through and if we’re lucky we figure out how to forgive other people and ourselves for being human. And we figure out what things are unforgivable for us. And on we go. Anyway, I loved this. Forgive me for writing an essay back to you! Lots of love 🤍
Thank you, Ally, and I love your essay back! You really nailed it with how fluid it all is, and how everyone continually changes. It’s amazing that you were able to be with your parents at the end, but even more amazing that you felt altruistic, rather than trapped or owing. What a relief that we don’t stay the same, right? Forgiving each other and ourselves for being human - thank you for that concept. That’s it, isn’t it? In the end, it’s really all we can do, and all we can hope for from others. Much love to you right back. xoxo
I’ll tell you the whole story sometime (it’s in the memoir because it’s long and crazy) but my mother openly blamed me for her illness until the last few weeks of her life, so that was rough even though I knew it wasn’t true. And my dad was a cantankerous narcissist. In a weird sense the only way I could feel was altruistic lol. But you work with what you’ve got, right? And yeah, I dunno. I find I’m able to be a lot more philosophical about it now that they’ve passed. I miss my mom every second of the day. My dad? I hope he’s okay out there, but I can’t say I miss him.
I hear you about your dad. And it’s nothing short of miraculous (in my opinion) that you miss your mom… and very cool, actually. You definitely work with what you’ve got. And yes I’d love to hear your whole story. Long and crazy? The best ones are!
Can I ask, how did you manage to grapple with the owing/not owing/the boundaries with your Dad? I ask becuz I am in that place currently and it’s tough. I end up awash with guilt… this is a man I haven’t lived under the same roof with in 40 years, who I can’t maintain a conversation with… now I’m his primary caregiver. I have to take him to the doctors, grocery shopping, haircuts, help him with his bills, etc etc… I work full time. I’m exhausted. And that’s not counting the emotional/psychological depletion…
Elle, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, and having that tough relationship to top it off. That’s SO hard. Of course you’re exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. I really like Ally’s take, about not letting this suck the life out of you. A support group can be so helpful, and especially that reminder that guilt is for people who have done something wrong - not for you who are doing so very much but simply can’t do it all. Of course you can’t. No one can. I wish I had concrete suggestions or comparisons for my situation. My dad is married, lives very far away from me, and is in good health. Plus, he leans more on his stepchildren than my brother and me. Long story there. I don’t know what the future will bring but while I will do whatever I can to help him, I will also prioritize myself and my own needs. I hope you can find a way to prioritize yours while you do this generous work with your difficult dad. Big hugs to you. ❤️🩹
Hi Elle. First, I’m so sorry because it’s really hard to be in this position. I’ve tried to write back and deleted multiple times because there’s so much I want to say to you. The short version is my dad was not a good dad by anyone’s standards and when it became clear I’d have to take over I promised myself I would not let him suck the life out of me. Do you want to message me? I’m so happy to get on the phone with you, sincerely. I wish I could have talked to someone who’d been through it with a difficult parent when I was going through it because it’s exhausting. Please try to remind yourself guilt is for people doing something wrong. You’re showing up for your dad. It doesn’t have to be perfect and you can’t let it destroy your life. Message me, I’ll give you my number. There should be support groups for this. Maybe I’ll start one 🤍
Ally, this is such a generous offer. I hope Elle gets in touch. We all need each other. There’s so much damn trauma, we all could fill the world’s library with our stories. Also, GREAT idea about starting a support group. I’d be interested in joining! xoxo
Hi ladies—-I’m not all that savvy on Substack. Which is to say, I post and am not apt to see any replies… Thank you soooo very much much for your heartfelt replies, as I’m just seeing them now… and Ally, I will call soon.
what a strange phenomenon it is to witness someone that has hurt you so complexly change and have to navigate both your trauma and nurturing this new person you’ve gotten to know. I eat these posts up. Thank you, always, for sharing your life on here. Wishing you all the best. Grace and healing and even more grace.
Thank you, Marble. It is indeed a strange phenomenon - a very apt way to describe it. It’s also not static and it’s still a struggle at times. She’s changed, but she’s also still the same person. It’s a mind-fuck. Therapy and mindfulness keep me grounded. But I would never ever begrudge anyone else’s choices in navigating their own similar situations. Grace and healing to you, too! xoxo
Do we cause illness in our loved ones? I ask myself that all the time as in when my ex and I got divorced and soon after, his mother, whom I used to be super close to but whose family decided to cut me off after our divorce (a divorce that, although equitable and relatively non-acrimonious went through some ugly turns and exchanges; emotions were high) developed Alzheimers. I have worried it was the stress of our divorce that triggered her illness...I have to admit, I don't know the answer. She has since died, and I miss her. She was my only Jewish mother. She taught me everything about the traditions I adopted as my own. I am guessing Alzheimers is not a result of stress...But I can't say the thought/the worry does not re-surface from time to time...
I’m sorry, Nina. That’s the worst feeling. I hate that you are carrying that, even though I know you know that there’s know way to ever know for sure. I hope you can let go of it and believe that things happen, and most of them we can’t control at all. xoxo
I relate on so many levels. When my mother became gravely ill, anything that had passed between us just didn’t matter to me anymore. Even if she was still holding onto that stuff (and my god, was she 🤣🤦🏻♀️) I just did not care about anything except showing up for her. It’s a longer story (a whole memoir of a story I’m about to finish haha), but I’m so glad that was my reaction because we did manage to finally heal our relationship before she died - in the last 3 weeks of her life. Hard to put into words how grateful I am about that.
My dad was a terrible dad all the way through, but I ended up being his primary caregiver the last year of his life. It wasn’t easy, and I had to grapple with boundaries and what I owed him vs what I owed myself and whether “owing” was really the point, anyway.
The truth is we all keep changing. Neither of my parents were the people they were when I was little - 40 years later, and neither of them were perfect then, either. And neither am I. We all muddle through and if we’re lucky we figure out how to forgive other people and ourselves for being human. And we figure out what things are unforgivable for us. And on we go. Anyway, I loved this. Forgive me for writing an essay back to you! Lots of love 🤍
Thank you, Ally, and I love your essay back! You really nailed it with how fluid it all is, and how everyone continually changes. It’s amazing that you were able to be with your parents at the end, but even more amazing that you felt altruistic, rather than trapped or owing. What a relief that we don’t stay the same, right? Forgiving each other and ourselves for being human - thank you for that concept. That’s it, isn’t it? In the end, it’s really all we can do, and all we can hope for from others. Much love to you right back. xoxo
I’ll tell you the whole story sometime (it’s in the memoir because it’s long and crazy) but my mother openly blamed me for her illness until the last few weeks of her life, so that was rough even though I knew it wasn’t true. And my dad was a cantankerous narcissist. In a weird sense the only way I could feel was altruistic lol. But you work with what you’ve got, right? And yeah, I dunno. I find I’m able to be a lot more philosophical about it now that they’ve passed. I miss my mom every second of the day. My dad? I hope he’s okay out there, but I can’t say I miss him.
I hear you about your dad. And it’s nothing short of miraculous (in my opinion) that you miss your mom… and very cool, actually. You definitely work with what you’ve got. And yes I’d love to hear your whole story. Long and crazy? The best ones are!
Can I ask, how did you manage to grapple with the owing/not owing/the boundaries with your Dad? I ask becuz I am in that place currently and it’s tough. I end up awash with guilt… this is a man I haven’t lived under the same roof with in 40 years, who I can’t maintain a conversation with… now I’m his primary caregiver. I have to take him to the doctors, grocery shopping, haircuts, help him with his bills, etc etc… I work full time. I’m exhausted. And that’s not counting the emotional/psychological depletion…
Elle, I’m sorry you’re dealing with that, and having that tough relationship to top it off. That’s SO hard. Of course you’re exhausted - mentally, physically, emotionally. I really like Ally’s take, about not letting this suck the life out of you. A support group can be so helpful, and especially that reminder that guilt is for people who have done something wrong - not for you who are doing so very much but simply can’t do it all. Of course you can’t. No one can. I wish I had concrete suggestions or comparisons for my situation. My dad is married, lives very far away from me, and is in good health. Plus, he leans more on his stepchildren than my brother and me. Long story there. I don’t know what the future will bring but while I will do whatever I can to help him, I will also prioritize myself and my own needs. I hope you can find a way to prioritize yours while you do this generous work with your difficult dad. Big hugs to you. ❤️🩹
Hi Elle. First, I’m so sorry because it’s really hard to be in this position. I’ve tried to write back and deleted multiple times because there’s so much I want to say to you. The short version is my dad was not a good dad by anyone’s standards and when it became clear I’d have to take over I promised myself I would not let him suck the life out of me. Do you want to message me? I’m so happy to get on the phone with you, sincerely. I wish I could have talked to someone who’d been through it with a difficult parent when I was going through it because it’s exhausting. Please try to remind yourself guilt is for people doing something wrong. You’re showing up for your dad. It doesn’t have to be perfect and you can’t let it destroy your life. Message me, I’ll give you my number. There should be support groups for this. Maybe I’ll start one 🤍
Ally, this is such a generous offer. I hope Elle gets in touch. We all need each other. There’s so much damn trauma, we all could fill the world’s library with our stories. Also, GREAT idea about starting a support group. I’d be interested in joining! xoxo
Hi ladies—-I’m not all that savvy on Substack. Which is to say, I post and am not apt to see any replies… Thank you soooo very much much for your heartfelt replies, as I’m just seeing them now… and Ally, I will call soon.
what a strange phenomenon it is to witness someone that has hurt you so complexly change and have to navigate both your trauma and nurturing this new person you’ve gotten to know. I eat these posts up. Thank you, always, for sharing your life on here. Wishing you all the best. Grace and healing and even more grace.
Thank you, Marble. It is indeed a strange phenomenon - a very apt way to describe it. It’s also not static and it’s still a struggle at times. She’s changed, but she’s also still the same person. It’s a mind-fuck. Therapy and mindfulness keep me grounded. But I would never ever begrudge anyone else’s choices in navigating their own similar situations. Grace and healing to you, too! xoxo
Do we cause illness in our loved ones? I ask myself that all the time as in when my ex and I got divorced and soon after, his mother, whom I used to be super close to but whose family decided to cut me off after our divorce (a divorce that, although equitable and relatively non-acrimonious went through some ugly turns and exchanges; emotions were high) developed Alzheimers. I have worried it was the stress of our divorce that triggered her illness...I have to admit, I don't know the answer. She has since died, and I miss her. She was my only Jewish mother. She taught me everything about the traditions I adopted as my own. I am guessing Alzheimers is not a result of stress...But I can't say the thought/the worry does not re-surface from time to time...
I’m sorry, Nina. That’s the worst feeling. I hate that you are carrying that, even though I know you know that there’s know way to ever know for sure. I hope you can let go of it and believe that things happen, and most of them we can’t control at all. xoxo
Thanks Paulla, this all hits very close to home for me as well.
I hope you’re mom is doing well. I hope you’re doing well, too.
Thank you, friend xoxo