Sometimes when you have one parent whose abuse is so apparent and causes so much trauma, the other parent looks pretty good in comparison. It doesn’t occur to you as a kid that maybe the whole system is really screwed up, and what you’re dealing with is an abuser and an enabler. Even if the abuser is dealing with mental illness or addiction. Which is my way of saying I relate. Also, it’s terrifying as you grow up in that kind of house to entertain the idea that no one is there to protect you. So you can kind of make the other parent more affable or clueless or helpless than they are, or should have been. Beyond all that, I’m sorry. We all deserve better but we don’t always get it and that’s how we have writers. Just kidding but maybe not. Hugs!
Ally, you get it. And yes, that’s exactly it. Thank you for putting clear words and phrases to it for me. I’ve been doing this work for a long time, so I’m stunned that I’ve only just recently seen this in from a new, tilted perspective. It’s unsettling but good. I so appreciate the commiseration. And YES that’s why we have writers - capitalizing on our misfortunes! 😉 xo
Oh, my. I understand this pain and realization. I am also almost finished reading What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo on this very subject, which I highly recommend for anyone who is healing from childhood trauma. The first part is graphic, so you have to be in a state to be able to digest that, but it is a story of healing.
I hope you are now able to be the parent to yourself that you always needed then. I see you.
Thank you so, so much, Michele! And yes, I 100% agree - self-parenting is the key. It sounds like you really get this - for which I'm both sorry (for your pain) and grateful (for the camaraderie). Such an unfair system, isn't it? But here we are. And wow, yes I've read Stephanie Foo's book, too. What an eye-opener on complex trauma. I have it too, but not nearly to the degree she does. She is a champion. Thank you again and I'm glad to meet you here! xo
I read this while I was away last week, Paulla, and didn't have time to comment there and then, but just came back to it. I appreciate what you mean about seeing your parents in different lights as you get older and process childhood memories differently.
As children, my older brother sided with my dad, my younger sister with my mum and I was stuck in the middle, trying to keep the peace. I've always tried to dodge an argument and to smooth out life's rumples.
I'm glad you're getting a new perspective on the dynamics of your own upbringing.
Wow, Paulla. I have so much to say about this. My mother was the "enemy" in my house for me. My father "the savior." The truth is that my mom was confused and scared and a child in an adult's body. She did many fucked up things over the course of our lives, and still does from time to time. But my father? I idolized him. And I refused to see until very recently that he was a perpetrator of the highest order. We were in an enmeshed, unhealthy, codependent relationship that caused me no end of troubles. I'm still working on all of this. It's hard. I write about him a lot. That helps. Memoir coming. It's a complicated life, isn't it? Would love to have a conversation with you about this topic if you're ever up for it. xoxo
The stories we tell ourselves are hard to unravel. And this is such a hard thing to have to reckon with, "was there no one to protect me?" But reckon you must and heal you will. ❤️☘️
Thank you so much for sharing this, Wendy. That must have been so hard to be put in the middle. And in situations like that, keeping peace is nearly impossible. New perspectives are everything, right? 🙏🏻🙏🏻
So painful, looking back, looking for clarity that is sometimes more painful than we imagined.
But clarity is worth it, clarity is comfort of a kind.
Well said, thank you 🙏🏻
Sometimes when you have one parent whose abuse is so apparent and causes so much trauma, the other parent looks pretty good in comparison. It doesn’t occur to you as a kid that maybe the whole system is really screwed up, and what you’re dealing with is an abuser and an enabler. Even if the abuser is dealing with mental illness or addiction. Which is my way of saying I relate. Also, it’s terrifying as you grow up in that kind of house to entertain the idea that no one is there to protect you. So you can kind of make the other parent more affable or clueless or helpless than they are, or should have been. Beyond all that, I’m sorry. We all deserve better but we don’t always get it and that’s how we have writers. Just kidding but maybe not. Hugs!
Ally, you get it. And yes, that’s exactly it. Thank you for putting clear words and phrases to it for me. I’ve been doing this work for a long time, so I’m stunned that I’ve only just recently seen this in from a new, tilted perspective. It’s unsettling but good. I so appreciate the commiseration. And YES that’s why we have writers - capitalizing on our misfortunes! 😉 xo
Hi Paulla,
I just found your writing through my friends Abigail Thomas and Nan Tepper.
Your writing is beautiful, clear, and easy to follow.
This title "My Mother was my Tormentor, My Father was Mr. Rogers" ... or was he?
That is a koan all by itself.
I could reverse it and discover loads... and have.
I could write more... let's say, I look forward to how this continues.
Thank you!
Paulla is a terrific writer with really important things to say.
Nan…❤️❤️❤️
I can see that Nan, Thank you!
Thank you again Prajna!
Thank you Paula for the mention!
Oh, my. I understand this pain and realization. I am also almost finished reading What My Bones Know by Stephanie Foo on this very subject, which I highly recommend for anyone who is healing from childhood trauma. The first part is graphic, so you have to be in a state to be able to digest that, but it is a story of healing.
I hope you are now able to be the parent to yourself that you always needed then. I see you.
Thank you so, so much, Michele! And yes, I 100% agree - self-parenting is the key. It sounds like you really get this - for which I'm both sorry (for your pain) and grateful (for the camaraderie). Such an unfair system, isn't it? But here we are. And wow, yes I've read Stephanie Foo's book, too. What an eye-opener on complex trauma. I have it too, but not nearly to the degree she does. She is a champion. Thank you again and I'm glad to meet you here! xo
I read this while I was away last week, Paulla, and didn't have time to comment there and then, but just came back to it. I appreciate what you mean about seeing your parents in different lights as you get older and process childhood memories differently.
As children, my older brother sided with my dad, my younger sister with my mum and I was stuck in the middle, trying to keep the peace. I've always tried to dodge an argument and to smooth out life's rumples.
I'm glad you're getting a new perspective on the dynamics of your own upbringing.
Thanks for sharing this. It struck a chord.
Wow, Paulla. I have so much to say about this. My mother was the "enemy" in my house for me. My father "the savior." The truth is that my mom was confused and scared and a child in an adult's body. She did many fucked up things over the course of our lives, and still does from time to time. But my father? I idolized him. And I refused to see until very recently that he was a perpetrator of the highest order. We were in an enmeshed, unhealthy, codependent relationship that caused me no end of troubles. I'm still working on all of this. It's hard. I write about him a lot. That helps. Memoir coming. It's a complicated life, isn't it? Would love to have a conversation with you about this topic if you're ever up for it. xoxo
The stories we tell ourselves are hard to unravel. And this is such a hard thing to have to reckon with, "was there no one to protect me?" But reckon you must and heal you will. ❤️☘️
Thanks so much, Catherine. Reckoning is the worst, isn’t it? But also healing. ❤️🩹
Thank you so much for sharing this, Wendy. That must have been so hard to be put in the middle. And in situations like that, keeping peace is nearly impossible. New perspectives are everything, right? 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Ugh, such a confusing thing to sort out as we learn and grow and see. But still muddy and murky! We definitely need to talk more… and swap stories!