I'm so glad I found your substack. I grew up in the Baptist church: Sunday school every Sunday; my mom was a Sunday School teacher and VERY involved; I never felt really as connected as I thought I needed to be, and I thought something was wrong with me. I felt all the guilt and the shame, and none of the freedom - just like you. In my abusive marriage, I tried to get my husband to become a believer, and after I left him, he tricked me by saying yes, he'd accepted God, and let's try it again! So I married him again, and within six months, the monster was back. He cheated on me, left, and my pastor said, "You need to come back to church." So I did. But I never, ever felt close to Jesus. I thought I was doing something wrong. The election of 2016 and seeing so many Christians I'd admired and respected turn to Trump and worship him further alienated me. Finally, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't continue believing in this god. I'm agnostic now, and I'm still recovering, still allowing myself to feel all those feelings I'd previously been told were sinful or wrong. It's a journey.
Hi Melissa. Wow, our stories are eerily similar. 2016 election was my ultimate turning point too, but 8 years later, I’m still recovering. Recently, a mentor told me we never really get to the end of healing trauma. Rather, we always continue to heal and recover. That resonates for me. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you can feel your feelings now. 🙏🏻❤️
I sometimes think I should be recovered by now, from the abusive marriage, to the cheating, to the evangelical brainwashing…and I know I’m not. I think it’s helpful for me to realize that I’m continuing to heal and recover. Thank YOU for sharing that with me! It definitely helps.
I love this letting go of the "shoulds"--you should pray, you should read your Bible. Too often these things are tools imposed on us to produce a predictable experience, as if spirituality or awe could ever be so easily reduced. Good for you for breaking free ❤️
The fear of death at such a young, impressionable age is so visceral to me. I remember asking my mom what death was like at the age of five and having a panic attack because of the concept that “only god knows if you’re saved” and i didn’t trust that God knew because i didn’t feel like I’d done enough in my prayers.
ugh, also. the push and pull you described. Just yes.
I agree. I think the Jesus teachings in Christianity were by and large, good and kind. It’s the legalism that he, ironically, spoke out against that has been so embraced and enforced. The children are brainwashed. I’ve been out 8 years (started questioning a few years before that) and I’m still deconstructing too. I imagine, on some level, I always will be.
Yes! 🥺 It hurts my heart when I see how many children there are in these spaces. Even through my deconstruction of religion, I still think some of the lessons taught through the Bible are good to learn, however, the trade off is this binary branding that infiltrates everything. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It follows me to this day.
I'm so glad I found your substack. I grew up in the Baptist church: Sunday school every Sunday; my mom was a Sunday School teacher and VERY involved; I never felt really as connected as I thought I needed to be, and I thought something was wrong with me. I felt all the guilt and the shame, and none of the freedom - just like you. In my abusive marriage, I tried to get my husband to become a believer, and after I left him, he tricked me by saying yes, he'd accepted God, and let's try it again! So I married him again, and within six months, the monster was back. He cheated on me, left, and my pastor said, "You need to come back to church." So I did. But I never, ever felt close to Jesus. I thought I was doing something wrong. The election of 2016 and seeing so many Christians I'd admired and respected turn to Trump and worship him further alienated me. Finally, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't continue believing in this god. I'm agnostic now, and I'm still recovering, still allowing myself to feel all those feelings I'd previously been told were sinful or wrong. It's a journey.
Hi Melissa. Wow, our stories are eerily similar. 2016 election was my ultimate turning point too, but 8 years later, I’m still recovering. Recently, a mentor told me we never really get to the end of healing trauma. Rather, we always continue to heal and recover. That resonates for me. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you can feel your feelings now. 🙏🏻❤️
I sometimes think I should be recovered by now, from the abusive marriage, to the cheating, to the evangelical brainwashing…and I know I’m not. I think it’s helpful for me to realize that I’m continuing to heal and recover. Thank YOU for sharing that with me! It definitely helps.
I’m so glad. When I first heard it, I felt a little bereft. But on further thought, and being real with myself, I knew she was right.
I love this letting go of the "shoulds"--you should pray, you should read your Bible. Too often these things are tools imposed on us to produce a predictable experience, as if spirituality or awe could ever be so easily reduced. Good for you for breaking free ❤️
Thank you Katharine. Well said - as if spirituality or awe could ever be so easily reduced. Exactly.
The fear of death at such a young, impressionable age is so visceral to me. I remember asking my mom what death was like at the age of five and having a panic attack because of the concept that “only god knows if you’re saved” and i didn’t trust that God knew because i didn’t feel like I’d done enough in my prayers.
ugh, also. the push and pull you described. Just yes.
I agree. I think the Jesus teachings in Christianity were by and large, good and kind. It’s the legalism that he, ironically, spoke out against that has been so embraced and enforced. The children are brainwashed. I’ve been out 8 years (started questioning a few years before that) and I’m still deconstructing too. I imagine, on some level, I always will be.
Omg right? We knew in our tiny, innocent souls that we could never do enough or be good enough. So awful to put this burden on kids 💔
Yes! 🥺 It hurts my heart when I see how many children there are in these spaces. Even through my deconstruction of religion, I still think some of the lessons taught through the Bible are good to learn, however, the trade off is this binary branding that infiltrates everything. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. It follows me to this day.